Jiggly, Jiggly, Jiggly, Goo......

Let me start of by saying that this is NOT an upbeat, encouraging, "you can do it", post today.

I do try and stay positive. I want to encourage others on their journey. But let's face it, I'm human, I'm not perfect. And NOBODY can be positive everyday.

So, today, I will whine, I will complain and I will get it out of my system so tomorrow I can focus on the task at hand.

Yes, I have now lost over 50 lbs and while that truly makes be ecstatic knowing that I have come so far, look and feel better, have gone from a size 16-18 to a loose size 10....I look in the mirror and see all the jiggly goo staring back at me and it makes me depressed.

I know I shouldn't be, but dang....I can shake my leg and my upper thigh looks like jello from the extra skin. I can poke around my abdomen area underneath my belly button and it's so wobbly and jiggly and NOT firm at all! I can take and grab over two inches of skin on my hips in between my fingers.

Yesterday, we went boating. I didn't want to wear my skirted bathing suit bottom because I wanted to wear my capris as well. I found in my drawer a bathing suit bottom from 1997. I can still remember the last time I wore it...I was at the lowest weight I had been in a long time. So I put them on...and the back sagged because my butt wasn't big enough to fit in them. I never thought I would ever hear myself say that my butt isn't big enough...lol.

You would think that would make me feel great...and it did....that is until......

We were on the lake and I was sitting on the back of the pontoon boat, enjoying reading my book while everyone was swimming in the lake. I looked down and there were my thighs....

I gasped...."Oh my - I can't believe how big my thighs are!" My thighs looked liked flat long pancakes. If I propped my legs up on the seat in front of me and kind of positioned myself on my side so I could read... the top of my thighs where they meet the hips looked completely deformed. I was so taken aback...that I made my husband come over and look how deformed it looked.

Of course, my husband didn't think anything about it. He thinks I look great and is very proud and extremely supportive of all my efforts. But.....

This isn't really about what he or any other person views or feels about the way I look....

It's about me...how I view myself....

How I feel about the way I look....

And part of me is telling myself that maybe the more weight I lose, the more vain I am becoming.

I mean, I know I look 10 times better than I did just 6 months ago....with my clothes on

But.....

I want to look and feel that way...with my clothes off.

I want to be toned and firm. I want to be the me that I picture myself when I close my eyes, not the jiggly mess of goo that I see staring back at me from the mirror.

My doctor has already told me that no amount of exercise is going to get rid of the extra skin around my mid section and that it would have to be surgically removed. I also know that by getting rid of it, it would reduce the amount of skin that is sagging down into my thighs and even around to what is sagging onto my butt. I know this because I can pull and tug at it and see the difference it would make if the skin was tightened up. It's depressing to see the difference it could make.

My bust area is a whole other story. I have lost 8 inches off of my chest since the end of February, when I started this journey. I have gone from 44 inches to 36 inches.....but my cup size has not changed...at all. I am still a DD bordering on a DDD.

My doctor thinks due to this, and the fact that I am still losing, that this may cause additional back problems (I also have scolioses). I have an appointment in a few weeks with a surgeon to discuss a possible breast reduction. My doctor suggested that while I am there to go ahead and talk to him about a tummy tuck.

My doctor has also stated that with all the extra skin combined with the weight from my breasts, it might make it more difficult to get to my goal weight of 125. By getting rid of the extras....it could get rid of maybe 10lbs!

So....now that I have whined (and cried)....this is my plan:

I will continue my strength and toning exercises combined with cardio.
I will tighten up my ab muscles as much as possible (if I do decide to have surgery, it is very important that I do this)
I will keep training to run the 5K in October.

I will talk to the surgeon and then do tons of research before making a decision.

I will not let my own insecurities rob me of my accomplishments!

I will keep on going....I will NOT stop!

(If you have read this far....thank you for sticking all the way to the end)